Madwoman With A Frying Pan
by Trishata96
Summary: All the game characters are sick of The Last Straw ending, but they are unexpecantly saved. Nuff said, summary's terrible but please read. And the title will make sense towards the end.


**Madwoman with a frying plan**

"I will have the tower searched top to bottom." Screeched Meredith

"You cannot do that. You have no right." Yelled Orsino indignantly

"I have every right. You are harbouring blood mages and I intend to root them out before they infect this city." Hawke ran towards the voices, all her companions except Anders fast on her heels.

"Blood Magic." Scowled the elf Where do you not see blood magic? My people cannot sneeze without you accusing them of corruption."

_Oh dear maker. This is getting out of hand, AGAIN. _

"Do not trifle with me, Mage. My patience is at an end." Hawke rounded the corner to see the intense stand off. She had to calm this down, before one side did anything more rasher.

"A wonder that I never saw it begin." Sneered Orsino, throwing his hands in anger.

"This has to stop! Can't you two settle this peacefully for once?" She said quickly standing between the two sides. She noticed Carver standing behind Meredith. His eyes seemed to mirror hers and her friends with the look of complete and utter boredom.

"This does not involve you, Champion." Muttered Meredith, trying to step around the famed champion mage of Kirkwall.

"I called her here. I think the people deserve to know just what you've done." Said Orsino, looking somewhat content he'd thrown a spanner into the knight-commander's day.

"What I have done is protect the people of this city, time and again. What I have done is protect you mages from your curse and own stupidity. And I will not stop doing it. I will not lower our guard. I dare not."

_Sheesh. Did she even pause for a breath then? Maker why did you give me this job of mediating the dispute here? Damn you too for having a bunch of terrible producers create me, I mean no one appreciates Hawke, it's all Warden this, Warden that, Warden is well more better._

"What other option do we have? Tell me Champion that you have not seen with your own eyes what they can do." Meredith eyes filled with sorrow. She truly believed what she was doing was right. But then again the woman was slightly crazy and had a sword made completely out of Lyrium on her back. "Heard the lies of mages that seek power."

"Please spare me the speech. Some of us mages want exactly what you want. We're not the enemy." Hawke approached the templar carefully, trying to calm her down and stop another emotional speech. People were starting to gather. Watching the scene. But Orsino had to kick off.

"You would cast us all as villains. But tis not so." He said angrily. Fenris rolled his eyes and sighed. Sebastian offered a prayer to the maker. Aveline was talking to her husband, telling him to keep the guard out of this. Varric seemed to be memorising the events for his book. Isabela examining a broken nail. While Merrill was distracted by a butterfly. Just like Hawke and everyone else in the whole of Thedas they were fed up.

They all knew what was about to happen. The damn devs wouldn't have any other outcome. Blondie would come along any minute now, doing his glowy Justice trick and blow up the Chantry.

Varric had bet they'd join the mages, but really that was a no-brainer. Hawke mage, Hawke's father mage, Hawke's sister, Mage, Two of Hawke's friends, Mages.

Sebastian wondered if she'd kill Anders. This time she hadn't helped him plant the bomb. He so wanted to take her as his Queen for Starkhaven. Sadly because she'd slept with Fenris, the game programming wouldn't allow him. Silently he cursed Gaider and Laidlaw and dreamt up ways of killing them. He especially hated being a DLC companion. They were always unnecessary to have, plus from what he understood not many fans liked him.

Isabela didn't really give a damn, as long as in the next play though she got to bed Hawke and get her ship. She always went with Hawke and no matter what Elthina, Meredith and Osino always died.

"I know and it breaks my heart to do it. But we must be vigilant. If you cannot tell me another way, do not brand me a tyrant." Hawke groaned.

_There we go, the heart broken approach. Can we just skip to the boss fights? Even though they suck. I mean I've been here seven years and I've killed three hundred Templars, seven hundred rouge mages, a thousand odd demons, ten revenants, fifty baby dragons, four adult dragons, five drakes, Corypheus, an entire legion of darkspawn without getting myself, Varric, Fenris or Merrill tainted. Oh and a dreadnought worth of Qunari AND enough criminals to equal the entire population of Orlais! I can handle whatever they throw at me._

"This is getting us nowhere. Grand Cleric Elthina will put a stop to this." Said Orsino, shaking his head and walking away. A panicked look spread across Meredith's face and she grabbed the elf's arm.

"You will not bring her Grace into this." She hissed. Then Anders appeared to do his bit.

"The Grand Cleric cannot help you." He bellowed. Meredith turned to him, spite on her face.

"Explain yourself, Mage!" She snarled. In the back of Anders mind, Justice piped up.

_Okay. We've stuck a bomb in the Chantry. We'll set it off, killing Elthina. You'll start raging, declare an annulment on the circle. Orsino will plead for you not to go though. Hawke will side with the mages. There'll be a fight Hawke may or may not kill us. Then you and Orsino will die._

Instead he had to stick with the programmed dialogue. He cursed the producers for not having a different outcome. It got kinda boring after you'd blown up the Chantry about a thousand times.

"I will not stand by and watch you treat all mages like criminals." Orsino tried to speak but Anders slammed his staff on the ground to silence him. "While those who'd lead us bow to their Templar jailors."

"How dare you speak to m…" Another slam interrupted Orsino.

"The Circle has failed us, Orsino. Even you should be able to see that." Part way though his sentence, Justice began to glow. Sebastian rolled his eyes.

_Why must he do this? Hey look at me, I'm trying to prove mages aren't dangerous and aren't always possessed. And I'm gonna do that by blowing up the Chantry and taking in a spirit of Justice. I'm a perfect example and my plans flawless._

The distant patter of feet upon stone reached his ears. He furrowed his brow in confusion.

_Hang on, that isn't meant to be in the game. Maybe a glitch. Like Merrill deciding she'd killed the keeper and to break her mirror even though 'A New Path' hadn't been accepted yet._

"The time has come to ac… Who the hell…?"

*THWACK!*

Everyone looked up from their inner thoughts and waiting to say their lines or die. Anders was now lying on the floor unconscious, standing over him was a young girl.

She had to be only eighteen and the clothes she wore were curious. A pair of strange blue trousers, a hole showing her right knee, Strange white shoes and a red jacket with a hood. What surprised them even more was the venomous look in her blue eyes. Her log brown hair had partially fallen out of it's bun from running. But what really was truly hilarious was what she held in her pale hands.

A frying pan, which seemed to have an indentation of Anders' shocked face.

She truly looked like a madwoman armed with a frying pan. Varric began rolling on the floor with laughter, along with Merrill and Isabela, while everyone else looked on confused.

_Who is she? Did she just break the programming?_ _Oh Maker, she broke the fourth wall! _

The young girl took a deep breath and stood normally, the pan still in her hands at the ready. She finally seemed to notice the people around her.

"Oh, err… hello?" She stammered, looking nervously at them all and at the pan in her hands. She gave out a half-hearted giggle.

"Hello." They all chorused back. Then they looked at each other amazed.

"Wait. We can… We can say what we want. But that should be impossible." Said Aveline in amazement, then she gave a scream of glee and hugged Donnic. Elthina came sprinting down the stairs.

"What going on? I should have been blown to bits by now. Not that I'm complaining…" She stopped as everyone cheered and grabbed each other into hugs. Carver picked Merrill up and began twirling her around. Fenris jumped up and punched the air. Meredith threw her Lyrium sword away and pulled Orsino into a bear hug. Isabela grabbed an unfortunate Templar and lead him into the first steps of the Remigold. Some of the mages and Templars began joining the pirate in the Remigold. Varric was still on the floor laughing. Finally Sebastian was quick into pull Hawke into his arms and kiss her.

The girl just looked around, smiling. A groan floated up from the floor and she was very quick in striking the mage again. The clang brought everyone out of their merriness an to their saviour.

"Sorry. If he wakes up, then he won't be able to stop his programming and the Chantry goes boom. I'd advise someone find the bomb. Then the programming will truly be broken." Meredith nodded and assigned several mages and Templars to find the bomb, Elthina accompanied them. Hawke broke away from Sebastian, a love-dazed smile on her face, and faced the girl.

"So how did you come here and may we know who you are so we can thank you?" She asked.

"I'm a gamer. I got so bored of DA2 that I borrowed the matrix machine to tweak things and personally kick Anders' backside. The miserable excuse for a LI. Seriously Gaider if someone dies in a previous game, you don't bring them back and change them so drastically. Oh sorry. I tend to rant and rave at times."

"It's okay. It's nice to see a fan who actually decided to do something about this. I think it's time for a celebration now." Said Hawke as Elthina strode up to them triumphantly with the bomb in her hand. The Grand Cleric mentioned something about chucking it into the sea and went past them towards the docks.

Slowly, everyone made their way to the Hanged man or the Blooming Rose. But several didn't. Meredith and Orsino seemed to have disappeared entirely. Hawke had dragged Sebastian off to her estate, while Merrill did the same with Caver. Soon at the stairs leading up to High town, there was just Anders, the girl and Fenris.

"Aren't you annoyed that Hawke's ran off with Choirboy?"

"No. Someone else caught my eye on the very first play though. If I were you, I'd leave before your adoring crowd remember you. Before you go. What is your name?" The girl looked at him hesitantly as if deciding on something.

"I won't give you my real name. Just refer to me as Phoenix. Er… what about Anders? We can't just leave him here."

Fenris looked at the mage, a large bruise forming on his forehead. But that was something Anders could heal easily.

"I take him to my Manor. While I'm there, I'll get rid of those bloody corpses. It's not as if they've been there for… oh… I don't know seven years?" Phoenix giggled and began walking away.

"Good idea. Goodbye Fenris." A white pillar appeared out of nowhere upon it a strange contraption that began to ring. Phoenix picked a handle up with a cord leading to the thing. She put it to her ear and disappeared in a blink of an eye.

Shaking his head, Fenris happily allowed a goofy smile to break across his face as he grabbed Anders' arms and dragged the mage up the stairs.

**Right I'll leave everyone to imagine what happened with Meredith/Orsino and when Anders woke up. I think everyone will agree with this ending more. BTW 'Phoenix' is my little sister, who hates DA2 and Anders with a passion. **

**Love Trishata96**


End file.
